*-X-* I Know, You Know *-X-* Disclaimer: Yes, I know, zzzzz, but it has to be done if I want to save my skin, my money, my website and my stories! I don't own Mulder, Scully or anything related to The X-Files (I wish I did), they are the precious property of Chris I Am God Carter, 1013, Twentieth Century Fox and probably a bunch of other people. I'm making no money from this, it's here just to enlighten people of the goings-on in my strange little brain. Don't sue me, I'm too busy with exams! And anyway, all you'd get is a few coppers and a suicide note. I left everything to David. Rating: I'm helping someone could help me out with this! Mild R, perhaps? Classification: MSR (Like you're surprised), Angst Summary: Yet another M And S Fess Up type story - so I'm hooked! Noromos and Naxis - get out or regret it forever. Don't bother to flame me - you shouldn't *be* here! xxxxxx If you don't know me by now... I mull the sentence over and over in my head, over and over and over until I barely remember why I'm doing so. Barely - but I don't forget. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I just don't know. Does Mulder really think that of me? We had a fight. A big one. I hate fighting with him. I'm screaming at him, and at the same time I want to cry, say I'm sorry. I hear myself saying these things which I know will hurt him bad, but I can't seem to stop. And I can see his psychologist mind telling himself that he deserves it all, that I'm perfectly within my rights to hate him, and that it's a wonder I'm still standing after all we've been through. Rubbish. I could say the same about him, all the times he's broken down, arrived at my apartment in the middle of the night, despairing and crying helplessly. Sometimes I take him in, hold him in my arms and tell him it's okay, it's alright, I'm here. But other times I don't. I tell him to go home, leave me in peace, I see him all day and he chooses now to come to my door? That's what happened. I was laying in my room thinking about him. Okay, so maybe I was fantasising, but that's not the point. The point, is that I was relaxing, and I didn't want to be disturbed. He knocked hesistantly, that Mulder-knock that plainly says , and I was annoyed. Annoyed that he'd knocked me out of my fantasy, annoyed that it *was* just a fantasy, and annoyed that I had the power to do something about it but wouldn't. So I yelled at him. He stood in my doorway looking like a lost boy, so adorable that I just wanted to take him in my arms and hold him close to my heart until all the pain and horror of this messed up world has gone away. But I didn't. Instead, I told him that I was busy, that I had other things in my life besides him. Bull. Complete crap, and he knew it. But instead of defending himself, he just nodded as I went completely ballistic. I hate myself right now. "Mulder, for God's sake you are the most self-centred, arrogant, selfish bastard I have ever known! You don't care about anyone other than yourself and your precious quest! You expect me to listen as you pour out your stone heart to me, as if I even care, and you don't even have the heart to thank me for it!" I think that was what did it. I saw the colour in his eyes shift and change, and his lower lip tremble slightly. He was about to cry. I knew it, he knew I knew, and I knew he knew I knew. Which annoyed me even more, so I yelled again. "And now you're gonna stand there and bawl, and expect me to apologise?! Mulder! For God's sake! I don't know why I even bother showing up for work in the morning! No, you know what? That does it. I have no reason to stay with you. I QUIT, MULDER!" And with that I slammed the door shut. The last thing I remember before breaking down in tears myself is his broken voice whispering through the wood. "If you don't know me by now, you will never, ever, ever know me". He walked off after that. I heard him drag his weary body away from my door; listened as his sighs and sobs became quieter. Leaving me here, by myself. Alone. I lied, I lied, I lied. I don't know why I lied to him. I love him with all my heart. I even love his moods. You know what? It's his obsession and passion that I love most, I think. He cares more about me than Samantha, I know he does. But I told him he didn't, and now he thinks... God knows what he's thinking right now. I have to talk to him. I stand up from where I am, curled up on the floor, back to the door. Dry tears are on my cheeks, my makeup ruined. I'm shaking, and I can't seem to stop. As I reach for the phone, a feeling of dread engulfs me. Mulder? I say his name in the back of my head, trying to access that psychic channel we sometimes seem to share. I hear his voice, he hears mine. It's totally unexplainable by science, and I don't care. Our relationship is impossible to explain, anyway. But tonight, as I will him to answer, I can tell he's not there. This is not right. In the past we've fought, and I've tried this. He always replied, even if it was simply, "Go away, I'm hurt right now". It's feelings we talk by, not words. I remember once he responded with, "Please, I can't take this any more." I ran to his apartment to find him in the corner, sobbing, heartbroken. He lost faith for a while, and I just held him all night. We never spoke about it. He knew how I knew he needed me; that's all. So why can't he tell me what's wrong? Before I know what I'm at, I am grabbing for my door keys, fumbling in the dark to pull the heavy door open. I have to find him: I have no choice. As I am locking my door behind me, I try one more time. Mulder, I beg. Please hear me. And he answers. X~x~X~x~ I will never know for sure what his reply was. I *think* it was something along the lines of, "Help me, Scully" or maybe even, "I'm sorry". I don't remember, because I never got the chance to process the thoughts in my mind. All I remember hearing is the ear-shattering, air-piercing sound of a gun going off, somewhere close by. The next thing I remember is being outside in the alleyway behind my apartment, and there he was. Standing. His gun pressed harshly into the side of his head, nestled in amongst his silky hair. His eyes clamped shut. The heavy scent of gunpowder is thick in the air, surrounding him. I can see the slug embedded in a rubbish bin lurking deeper in the dank shadows, where he'd fired the Sig in... anger, perhaps? Despair? Unsure, I hang back suddenly. What am I doing? He senses me near, forces his eyes open to fix their haunted gaze sadly on me. They say one thing and one thing only. If you don't know me by now... I do know you Mulder, I do, I'm sorry. I knew you couldn't handle rejection tonight. I realised that the moment the wicked words escaped my angry lips but I couldn't stop them. He is still watching me as I gingerly move closer to him. He is wondering what I plan to do. Detirmined!Mulder is difficult to win over. He knows I know this. But what I do next takes him by surprise. Instead of trying to stop him, I take out my own weapon and raise it. I press the barrel to my own temple and grit my teeth. I bring my eyes to meet Mulder's. The shock seems to have cleared, and been replaced by something that looks scarily like... understanding? Does Mulder really know me so well that even my participation in a suicide pact cannot confuse him? But it is a lot more intense than that. He sees why I am doing this: He sees right into the desperation I am trying to conceal. He knows that we shall die together some day, but he also realises that tonight is not the night. Finally, moving in harmony, we both lower the guns to our sides, silent promise. Without me even having to ask, he hands me his weapon, and I take it. No more horrors tonight. He reaches for me and I curl into his arms. I need his touch as much as he seeks mine - more so, perhaps. Tonight the barriers have come crashing down. We can't pretend any more. I'm surprised by the fresh tears I am crying. He bends down a little to my level and presses our foreheads together, letting the salty trails mingle. I shiver as they trickle slowly down my cheeks, and he wraps me warmer in his embrace. Oh, Mulder. I love you more than words could ever say. I know, he replies. I love you too. X~x~X~x~X~x~X~x~X~x~X~x The rest of that fateful night are a blur in my mind, they will be forever. We somehow made our quiet way back to my apartment. Mulder was trembling as he kissed me: A soft, loving kiss that moved me to cry harder. We found ourselves soothed by silk sheets and whispered words; cool touches and smooth writhing brought us together to the edge, and still back again. Back to the beginning with a vow to make it last a lifetime, with no more hating, no more anger. Only tears and each other will hold us from breaking. xxx Copyrighted Red 1999, so there. Do NOT archive! Ask first. Can't think why you *would* though... ROTFL. Feedback - I live for it! Criticism accepted if you're not too horrid, compliments treasured forever! ds4fm@hotmail.com "Oh my god!" - Scully, Teliko. "Blimey!" - HippyShippers on various occasions.