Before
Red 2003

Well, it's taken years, but today has finally 
arrived.

Tonight I will see the last ever episode of 
The X-Files.

Wow.

Every time I think about it, I'm hit by how 
huge an event this is for me.  I can't even 
*remember* my life before txf, really - I was 
13 or 14 when I started watching, the age when 
I was starting to find out who I was.  I developed 
my identity and incorporated txf into it at the 
same time that I was beginning to *live* my life, 
make my own decisions and think about my future.  
I have often imagined today but never had any clue 
what it would be like.  And, of course, it was 
nothing like what I expected.

Today has been the longest, shortest, loudest, 
quietest day of my life.  Since The Truth aired 
in America last year I think I've really been in 
a state of disbelief, and will remain in that 
state until the credits roll for the last time... 
and then what will happen?

I shudder to think how I'm going to react.

When I sat before my PC several months ago and 
a chatroom full of American philes declared that 
the show had just finished, I cried with the 
realisation that this would happen to me... but 
couldn't appreciate what that meant.  It was like 
a bad dream.  I cried.  I mourned.  But the whole 
time I didn't really believe what was going on.

It helped, of course, that America is so far 
away and the internet is so easily detachable 
from real life.

But tonight this happens in my own bedroom in 
front of my eyes.  I've got butterflies in my 
stomach, tears in my eyes and a chronic case 
of the shakes.  Basically, I'm terrified beyond 
belief.  I'm repeating mantras in my head -- 
please don't let this happen, please, I'll do 
anything -- but it doesn't help it any less real, 
and in case, who am I talking to?

This is one of those situations we never 
expect to deal with, and run on sheer adrenaline 
when it happens.  This *can't* be happening, and 
yet it *is*.  There is a desperate need to hide 
away but an inescapable truth which I can only 
accept and try to cope with, minute by minute 
by minute.

In other words...

HELP ME.