After.

Or... how Red managed not to kill herself after the
credits rolled.


God, how I survived I will never know.  It's now
Tuesday... 2 days later.  I was in no fit state to
manage a website after that.  I remember turning
off the television and sitting in the dark, in
silence, for about 15 minutes, just quietly.  I felt
alone, empty, vulnerable, awake and a terrible sense
of loss.  I then sobbed myself stupid for a while.  
Then, eventually, I had to switch on my mobile phone 
because I knew my boyfriend would be going mental 
trying to get in contact with me... so I spoke to 
him for a short while and then sat a little while,
 just crying and feeling the loss.  Eventually my 
brother came upstairs to go to bed and brought me 
my videotape, bless him - the only time the boy has
 ever shown me any compassion in his life.  So I 
took that, sat back down in the dark, thought for
 a while... then I decided that I had to do something 
or else I would go mad, so I took my DVD of The 
Truth downstairs and watched "Reflections On The
 Truth", sobbing all the way through.  Then I just 
went back up to my room and went to bed.

It was strange, very strange.  I wanted desperately 
to get onto the internet and seek out other philes
 to have a good cry with, but I couldn't because 
my father was working in the room where the 
computer is, and I didn't want to humiliate myself
 any further than I already had done.  So it ended 
up being a very quiet, personal thing, which I 
think in some way was maybe better, but it made 
me feel incredibly alone, which was a bad thing.

As for thoughts on the episode itself, I don't 
really have much to say.  Again, it felt like 
something that should have been big but ended up
 being quite small and quiet -- just sitting in 
the courtroom talking, reminiscing and so on.  On
 the M and S ship, I found it a bit overwhelming... 
along with everything else I can't really take it 
all in.  At least they admitted that Mulder is 
William's daddy :)  It was really beautiful when
 they kissed in front of Skinner - Mulder was 
completely and utterly busy looking at Scully, 
you could tell nothing else in the world mattered 
to him at that point in time.  An alien could have
 appeared in the middle of the room and started 
dancing, but he wouldn't have broken that gaze.  
He was fixated on the woman he loved.  I was 
delighted that we got to see them sharing such
 a private moment - -Skinner or no Skinner.  
(Poor guy)  Chris Carter gets a trout smack for 
managing to make a kiss in a well-lit room so 
dark (scum!) and many hugs for the final scene,
 which links so beautifully back to the original 
scene in the Pilot.  That reduced me to floods
 of hysterical tears.  But take note of the fact
that I'm not screeching or overexcited or even
typing in capitals.  As I said, the whole thing
has been very quiet and personal and private
for me, and I'm so upset that I don't really
have much energy.  All of my passion is being
concentrated on how much I will always, always
love the X-Files, no matter how many years pass
between its passing and my own.

So ultimately, what are we left with?  The 
general consensus seems to be - not much. 
 The future is bleak, M and S have lost 
everything and gained nothing but a date that 
confirms all of their work has been in vain.  
HOWEVER, whilst it is bleak, at the same time 
there *is* hope.  M and S have each other, and
 at last they have actually acknowledged this 
in an open way.  How many times have we ended 
an episode in this way, with everything falling
 apart, despite their best efforts?  Many, many,
 MANY, my friends!  So how could we expect 
anything more?  By explaining everything and 
nothing, giving us everything and taking it 
away again, CC leaves the door open for more 
movies (and, of course, more fanfic) - how much
 would we have hated it if our beloved heroes 
had slipped across the border for a perfect 
life in Canada?  I know I would have complained.
  That is NOT what txf is all about.  Yes, I am
 a shipper, yes, I want romance, but I do not 
want the show to lose its essence for the sake
 of a happy ending.  We got nothing less than 
what we should have expected, after nine years
 of lies and questions.  I admit feeling almost
 cheated by The Truth on my first viewing, but
 what can you expect?  The last episode has so
 much weight to it.  It can never meet everyone's
 expectations.  I will come to love it with time,
 that much I know.  The truth is, I'm still 
coming to terms with the fact that they couldn't
 have finished it with M and S still working in
 their office.  *sniff*  But I have faith that
 all will get sorted out.  If there's one thing
 I've learned from 9 years of txf, anyone can 
get away with murder.  And since Mulder murdered 
no-one, he can do it.  Remember Paper Clip?  
Skinner made a deal and Mulder got off scot-free.  
That can happen again - it's just gonna need a 
lot of explaining in the next movie, which could 
be hard given that CC said he wants to do a 
standalone.  But then, he said that about ftf 
as well...!